The First Ever Malkinwatch Contest
Update: Winner will be announced at 1700 PDT, so get those entries in!
Update 2: 1700 PDT tomorrow! Sorry about that.
The person who comes up with the most satisfactory non-racist explanation for being upset that there’s a version of the Star-Spangled Banner in Spanish will receive this:
Further rules after the jump.
Obviously I mean you’ll receive the jpeg, but I’m putting this here just for disclaimer purposes.
No cowbell?
Comment by McBoing — April 27, 2006 @ 2:17 am
Because it totally destroys the harmonious “glare”/”air” rhyme scheme.
Comment by jayinbmore — April 27, 2006 @ 2:39 am
Here’s a link to the post where Michelle and Jesse express their outrage at Latino subterfuge of the American system through the magic of music.
[Link]
Comment by LA — April 27, 2006 @ 2:51 am
Check this out:
[Link]
Michelle at 18?
Comment by LA — April 27, 2006 @ 3:07 am
Auguste irks me because he is funny without having to use the f-word incessantly, as I usually do as a first resort… he is the Cosby to my Pryor.
You magnificent bastard, I read your post!
Comment by Thers — April 27, 2006 @ 3:17 am
Well, the Bridge is clearly not something F. Scott Fitzgerald’s ancestor would have written.
It’s at least as offensive–in the same way–as The Hooters interpolating “100 Tanks Along the Square/One Man stands and stops them there” into “500 Miles,” or the Ron Carter forget-the-major-chords-this-is-life version of “Born in the U.S.A.”
Comment by Kenneth — April 27, 2006 @ 3:18 am
1) It doesn’t rhyme in Spanish. 2) It was originally an English Drinking Song — and the Brits have no tequila. 3)It is already an homage to Hispanics with the lyric “Jose can you see”
Comment by MrDoggity — April 27, 2006 @ 3:21 am
Because that means it is unsingable in two languages?
Comment by JCS — April 27, 2006 @ 3:37 am
A Spanish-language Star-Spangled Banner will make following Professional Wrestling too complex for most of the Malkins’ readers.
Comment by LA — April 27, 2006 @ 3:52 am
shit they should be happy that people are singing it. Most people can’t even name the national anthem or they don’t know the lyrics.
Comment by renato — April 27, 2006 @ 3:54 am
The Star Spangled Banner should only be sung in Wampanoag. And since Michelle is so racist, we should only refer to her by her ethnic maiden name:Magalagag
Comment by Adrian — April 27, 2006 @ 4:04 am
The reasons why this Mayflower descendent is intolerably livid after learning of a Spanish version of our sacred Star-Spangled Banner are:
1. “Oh say can you see?” is not “Oh José ken yoo cee?”
2. The fact we superciliously mumble “para bailar la Bamba se necesita un poquito de gracia” does not give them the right to mumble “by the dawn early light.”
3. Once in the Spanish domain, our Star-Spangled Banner would be claimed by Mexico, a frighteningly slippery road that would be immediately followed by their re-claiming our grand states of California, Texas, New Mexico and Arizona.
4. And lastly, you simply cannot rhyme in English:
Auguste, eres un reverendo hijo de puta. Que te den por el culo, ¡cabrón!
Comment by Paul — April 27, 2006 @ 4:14 am
It is completely outrageous that a translation is being made of the SSB. Translations are evil and should never be made of any important work of literature. Look around you at what has happened in the USA as a direct result of translating the Bible.
Comment by thebewilderness — April 27, 2006 @ 4:17 am
I’m not a racist. I just don’t speak Spanish and can’t sing along. I suppose I could hum.
Comment by Homer — April 27, 2006 @ 4:18 am
There is only one Star-Spangled Banner and it’s in English. I reject the notion that there is a Spanish “version”.
The “Spanish version” they/you refer to is, at best, a translation of the Star-Spangled Banner into Spanish to enable Spanish-only speaking Americans better understand what the Star-Spangled Banner is all about.
I am not upset that more people are able to understand the American pride behind the singing of the Star-Spangled Banner. If these people, fellow Americans, want to share the same pride as the rest of America, they should learn the language of the rest of the Americans. There is more to being an American than an American passport.
Comment by Anil — April 27, 2006 @ 4:26 am
thebewilderness says: “Look around you at what has happened in the USA as a direct result of translating the Bible”
What? I-only-get-my-cues-from-the-Almighty Bush cannot read Hebrew or Aramaic? I guess that explains many things!
Comment by Paul — April 27, 2006 @ 4:27 am
No, no, Anil — the contest is for the best non-racist explanation. Still, good effort. Try to suppress your inner xenophobe a little and give it another try.
Comment by buddhistMonkey — April 27, 2006 @ 4:37 am
There is more to being an American than an American passport.
Right on! That’s why the only correct language for the SSB would be Cherokee, Navaho, etc.
Comment by The Ox — April 27, 2006 @ 4:40 am
I’m appalled that there’s a Spanish language version of the SSB. It’s bad enough that we have to hit that high-G on the “Free” of “land of the free”. In order to sing “tierra de libres”, you’ve got to hit that G on the _first_ syllable of “libres” and then keep it on that note while then closing your mouth to make the B sound, roll the tounge for the R, and then opening your mouth for a new vowel sound. Try it, you won’t like it.
Comment by DaveOinSF — April 27, 2006 @ 4:42 am
I say we give them our national anthem and get a new one. Hold a contest, monthly primaries to get down to two finalists and then put the last two songs on the ballot in November. It’d increase turnout, we’d get a cooler national anthem (thanks to modern technology we can make a much better drinking song let alone anthem these days) and we’d stay a step ahead of Mexico in the musical arms race or whatever Malkin and her pitchfork and torch bearing mob are carping about.
Comment by Mark Garrity — April 27, 2006 @ 4:43 am
If the Star-Spangled Banner was translated into Spanish, it would encourage people to dance to it. Though it borders on horrific to conceive, such dancing could possibly involve rear-end gyrations or even the unspeakable practices such as “grinding” and other varieties of “frottage” (both well-documented preludes to orgies that have been somtimes known to culminate in man-dog styles of copulation). Of course we all know that the only proper attitude to strike during the playing of our (and you know what I mean by “our”) National Anthem is one of silent, sphincter-clenched reverential awe. So: we must be sure that the words of the Star-Spangled Banner be reserved for English only–and I mean ALL of them. If I hear someone say “estrella” or “puedes ver” or, God forbid, “por la luz del amanecer,” I want them shackled up and deported lest our entire nation succumb to the enticements of canine carnal love.
Comment by Pat — April 27, 2006 @ 4:50 am
Here in New Zealand we sing the national anthem in two languages one after the other, first Maori then English, and look at what a disaster area our country is!
Comment by Sonic — April 27, 2006 @ 5:01 am
Hey Anil, there are more countries in the Americas besides the U.S., and thus more Americans besides those that were born in the U.S. Secondly, the U.S. does not have a legally designated language. I do agree that many so-called Americans need to learn to speak English, but they aren’t of Mexican descent.
Comment by jicket — April 27, 2006 @ 5:15 am
Well, mostly it’s a crappy song - so we should discourage any more versions of it. Stop the proliferation!!!
I nominate “John Brown’s Body” as a good replacement song.
Comment by geoduck2 — April 27, 2006 @ 5:15 am
When syllables are $3.00 a gallon we don’t need to be throwing around any extras.
Comment by Righteous Bubba — April 27, 2006 @ 5:19 am
It’s because Spanish for “the bombs” is “las bombas” and everyone will automatically assume you’re talking about Shakira’s ass. Mmmm. Asss.
Comment by nova silverpill — April 27, 2006 @ 5:24 am
Because unlike “América El Hermoso” it does not allude at all to our one true lord and savior Jesús the Christ.
So wait, let me get this straight: my prize is a jpeg of Jesse and Michelle outrunning Fidel’s Super Evil Communist Assassination Squad?
Comment by teh l4m3 — April 27, 2006 @ 5:40 am
I hate to say this, but I do understand SOME of where Anil is coming from. I don’t necessarily think a Spanish translation of the SSB is bad. Translate it to EVERY language so that others can learn what Americans SHOULD know (but many don’t) about our own history.
That being said, ONE of the key components of having a strong national unity is a common agreed upon primary language. A single agreed upon language. Many other countries have had both the sense to institutionalize a single primary language, and the wisdom to push the education of their children in multiple languages, unlike the United States.
This still does not invalidate what a single language does for a diverse group of people, spread across many miles, different types of terrain, differing social classes, and differing histories.
It’s not that there is a Spanish translation of the SSB that makes me irritated. It’s that some people are so obtuse as to think that a Spanish translation - or a French, or Maori, or Swahili, etc. - could be considered to serve the same purpose as the original English SSB.
Saying that’s the case is the same as saying the English translation of the Bible - or the Koran, or Confucius teachings, etc. - is as true and comprehensive as the original versions of those documents.
And that’s bullshit and we all know it.
So translate the SSB, please! And the Federalist papers, and the Constitution, and just about any other document you want. I think that non-English speakers who want to TRULY learn about America SHOULD be able to understand as much about this country and it’s history as they can before they become citizens.
Just don’t confuse the translations with the originals. There are things about language - not just English - that can’t always be translated and still receive the same depth of emotion or communication without serious revision/adaptation. And when you revise or adapt an article, a speech, a document, or a song, most of the time, you change that item to something that’s close, but not quite the same as the original.
So translation? No problem. But holding up ANY translation as equal to the original (of ANY document, including the SSB)? Sorry, no. And anyone who says different is full of shit.
Comment by Silversmith — April 27, 2006 @ 5:48 am
BEST SO FAR: #1 and #19. Hilarity.
MY REASON: Only countries like Canada have a national anthem in two languages. Is that what you want America to look like? Canada? What’s next? Free national health care, sensible gun laws and poutine? SCREW THAT!
Comment by eb — April 27, 2006 @ 5:51 am
Anybody recall that the song that starts Mmy country, tis of thee, and ends in ‘let freedom ring’ is “God Save the Queen (last words of song)?
I’m sure Michelle would luv the English version better, if intended for her as Queen of Evil.
Comment by JimPortlandOR — April 27, 2006 @ 7:26 am
Because my Chihuahua craps on the rug everytime she hears it.
Comment by trumad — April 27, 2006 @ 10:00 am
Either Texas, California, or Puerto Rico.
You know, the wars of conquest and imperialism that led the US to win these places as booty for wars against Spanish speaking nations.
Comment by Mumon — April 27, 2006 @ 10:48 am
We must recognize the Composer’s Original Intent. Francis Scott Key wrote it in English, and it’s madness to think that he ever intended it to be sung in Spanish. If he had meant it to be translated, he would have translated it himself!
Comment by Wally Whateley — April 27, 2006 @ 10:53 am
Boy, next people will be wanting to sing “Silent Night” in German!
Comment by Avedon — April 27, 2006 @ 11:06 am
Bullshit, Star Spangled Banner is a living composition! If the SSB was meant to be rigidly defined then ball games wouldn’t last 18.5 hours …
Furrrrrrrrrrr theeeee laaaa-aaaiiiaiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-ndddddddd ovvahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh frrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeieieeeieeeeieee and the hoooommee ovdahhhhhhhhhh braiiaiaiiaiaiiiiiiiiii vvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeieeeeeieeeieeieeeieee sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss, brrrrraiiiveeeeeeeeesssssssssss! [Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Mister Aaron Neville … Aaron Neville, ladies and gentlemen … ]
Comment by huxley — April 27, 2006 @ 12:08 pm
1. There have been Spanish-speaking Americans as long as there have been Americans.
2. The US comprises territory where Spanish has been the first language since its first settlement by Europeans.
3. Spanish is as legitimate a language for Americans to speak as English.
4. America should embrace its bi-lingual heritage. Those of us who are non-racist/non-xenophobe/non-isolationist recognize that being bilingual is a key part of being able to compete in the world.
5. Hating Mexican people is racist, immoral and wrong.
6. If you do not want to hear the SSB in Spanish, turn off the damn radio.
7. If someone from Mexico breaks the law, that doesn’t condemn all Mexicans as law breakers.
8. Not all 11-12 million people made a conscious decision to break the law. Some became illegal when their status changed.
9. Even for those who came illegally, that is their only “crime.” Let’s try to address the circumstances of their entry while not being assholes. “Earned citizenship,” anybody?
10. Every wave of immigrants in the past has been met with this same strain of nativist racism. Protests against German-language newspapers, rallies to decry the pollution of our American stock by the ‘dirty Irish,’ etc. Like every other mean-spirited, childish outburst we’ve endured from these jerks, we’ll survive this one as well, and the bad guys will live to hate another day, and we’ll live to be repulsed and fight back another day.
Comment by Jim Pharo — April 27, 2006 @ 12:35 pm
Couple of years ago, when a US team won the gold medal (I forget what sport), the band at some international athletic event in Australia surprised everyone by playing the theme from Hawaii Five-O instead of the SSB. Good idea, non?
Comment by Preserved Killick — April 27, 2006 @ 12:40 pm
I think the Hawaii Five-O theme coupled with some real fine lyrics would make a fine national anthem. But for existing songs off the top of my head I’d prefer Tom Petty’s “Quit Jamming Me” with a few modifications. It will nicely reflect America’s pissed off mood over the next few decades as we pay for the Bush catastrophe.
Comment by Mark Garrity — April 27, 2006 @ 12:57 pm
If we don’t watch out, those latins will “Spanglify” the glorious names of our proud American cities: you know, San Francisco, Los Angeles, San Diego, San Antonio, etc.
Comment by shingles — April 27, 2006 @ 1:14 pm
Because it discriminates against those who cannot trill their r’s.
Comment by Chris Nelson — April 27, 2006 @ 1:18 pm
This woody Guthrie fan says this is the perfect time to scrap the warmonger’s theme song and replace it with “this land is your land”
Comment by luther — April 27, 2006 @ 1:34 pm
because there’s no chorro?
because its difficult to do as a Son or guaguaco?
because now you have to work it out in Portuguese too?
because no one can decide what kind of accordian to use?
because theres no mambo or mona (put a squiggly thing over that N…mone-ya)section?
because Sony and Coca-Cola divested from the latin radio stations?
Comment by roberto — April 27, 2006 @ 1:39 pm
Damn free countries, letting people just speak in whatever language they want. I wish we were more like the French with their national language and strict usage rules obviously leading to its growing usage throughout the world, far outstripping other languages and further supporting their global empire … oh, wait. You say English is pretty well adopted the world over? Most common second language people learn? We have the big global empire? Really? Oh yeah, and did I, a wingnut, actually want to be like the French?
Comment by Adam Piontek — April 27, 2006 @ 2:09 pm
Because, in her present condition, Whitney Houston can’t sing the Spanish version, although I think she could do a lovely version of “I Will Always Love You” in Spanish.
Once she’s not a crackhead, of course.
Comment by tbogg — April 27, 2006 @ 2:16 pm
How about a reason for not being upset? Puerto Rico!
Puerto Rico is part of the United States, but its official language is Spanish. So if the Puerto Ricans are going to sing the national anthem, they need a Spanish version.
Comment by CaptainVideo — April 27, 2006 @ 2:30 pm
Because there should have been a Spanish version of “God Bless the USA” first?
“No hay duda que amo esa tierra!
Que Dios de su bendicion a los EEUU!”
Comment by Yosef — April 27, 2006 @ 2:34 pm
The Spanish version of the Star-Spangled Banner has one big failing. There’s no “Oh,” in the “Oh, say does that …” part, so Baltimore Orioles fans can’t emphasize that syllable in honor of their team. It’s the truth! I think some of the O’s fans only know two parts of the lyrics — maybe three — as in,
“Oh, say can you see? …. mumble … … mumble …
mumble … mumble … mumble …
“OH! Say does that mumble mumble … and the home of the brave. PLAY BALL!”
[Question I’ve wondered about now and then: Do Atlanta Braves fans emphasize their team by changing the ending to “and the home of the Braves?” I sincerely hope not.]
Anyway, that’s a good reason not to do the Spanish version. It deprives typical American baseball fans of a chance to glorify their hapless home team.
Ed
Comment by Ed Drone — April 27, 2006 @ 2:59 pm
Hey, if English was good enough for Jesus, it should be good enough for the Star Spangled Banner. Sheesh.
Comment by mc — April 27, 2006 @ 4:17 pm
Because the terrorists will have won.
Comment by paul — April 27, 2006 @ 4:22 pm
Translating the Star Spangled Banner into Spanish is completely unfair. You see, the spanish have arranged it so La Marcha Real, the national anthem of Spain, doesn’t have any words, so when we try to turn it into English there’s nothing to translate! The injustice should be obvious to any fair minded person.
Comment by pecos — April 27, 2006 @ 4:22 pm
There aren’t nearly enough stanzas for people to forget. The English version has *four*, only three and a half of which people know. C’mon, people, kick it up a notch!
Personally I think it’d be entertaining if we forced everybody to learn ALL of the verses, and every time it’s played a random selection is made and everyone has to sing that one. Number 3! Let’s go! There’s nothing quite like singing “Their blood has washed out their foul footsteps’ pollution” to the tune of “O’er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming”.
Comment by Drew Thaler — April 27, 2006 @ 4:23 pm
The best reason: Mexico didn’t even exist when Jesus wrote that song.
BTW, Has anyone looked into the fonts and the kerning on that supposed ‘Mexican Star Spangled Banner’?
Comment by melior (in Austin) — April 27, 2006 @ 4:31 pm
I just think that we’ve let the Spanish language invade English too much already. Now if you excuse me, I have to put on my ten *gallon* hat and drive my *El Camino* by the *canyon* to look for poachers of *coyotes*. If I catch any with my *lasso*, they’ll be put in the *hoosegow*. After that, I have to go by the market and buy some *salsa*, *chocolate*, and *tomatoes* for a *fiesta* we’re having on my *patio* later, *buckeroo*.
Comment by James — April 27, 2006 @ 4:36 pm
Because it’s a slippery slope from there to a version of the Star-Spangled Banner in Arabic.
Comment by Stephen Stralka — April 27, 2006 @ 4:45 pm
I second (or third) the suggestion that we just give away our present, unsingable national anthem and get a new one. I’m thinking the old Meatloaf song, “Paradise By the Dashboard Lights.” Everyone can sing it and it is so lame no one would want to translate it into any langauge.
Comment by jpj — April 27, 2006 @ 6:01 pm
Because when I run the lyrics through Babelfish and then back again, it morphs into:
How does that honor America?
I reran it a few more times:
Comment by Shelby Tse — April 27, 2006 @ 6:10 pm
Because once we translate it to Spanish, we have to translate it to German, French, Chinese (Mandarin and Cantonese and any other I don’t know about), etc, et al, ad infinitum. Then when we sing it at NASCAR races it all gets mumbled and mixed, all languages thrown together…whew, what a mess that’d be!
Comment by Gratis — April 27, 2006 @ 6:32 pm
I think melior (#52) just “topped” me, as it were; my metaphorical prostate is quivering (not literally) with pleasure… Figuratively speaking, of course.
Comment by teh l4m3 — April 28, 2006 @ 3:11 am
i’ve got my fingers-crossed for all you in the hopes that someday someone you love will die from an overdose of drugs muled over the border by one of your little illegal alien friends. oh, and also that you child might be raped and mutilated by one the many predatory sex-offenders that routinely sneak across our southern border.
enjoy the shithole america is fast becoming, motherfuckers!
Comment by you are not funny — April 28, 2006 @ 5:28 am
Sorry, YANF, I asked for non-racist explanations.
Buying into Malkin’s “only-and-all Mexican illegal immigrants are rapists, drug traffickers, and murderers” bullshit doesn’t qualify, I’m afraid, not by a long shot.
Comment by Auguste — April 28, 2006 @ 5:32 am
How about this:
Establishing a Spanish-language National Anthemn is the first step toward a Reconquista.
What? Did you say NON-racist? OK, never mind.
Comment by gordo — April 28, 2006 @ 1:03 pm
OK, this one is non-racist:
They’re probably singing about us. And laughing.
Comment by gordo — April 28, 2006 @ 1:05 pm
But, but, but — won’t YANF promise to stick around and with his prescient, crawling-on-their-bellies-in-the-mud militia buddies from Whereverthefuck, Idaho save us from the invasive mudrace menace?!?!?
Comment by teh l4m3 — April 28, 2006 @ 3:27 pm
teh l4m3–
He’ll fight that war the same way he’s fighting in Iraq:
Tapping on a keyboard, risking carpal tunnel syndrome and the possibility of choking to death on a Cheeto. Because that’s the kind of patriot he is.
Comment by gordo — April 28, 2006 @ 6:09 pm
The only people who don’t object to a Spanish Star Spangled Banner are those who have never been mugged by a Spanish translation of the Star Spangled Banner.
Comment by Tony — April 28, 2006 @ 7:25 pm
There shouldn’t be a Spanish version of the anthem at least until the complete works of Tupac Shakur are translated and recorded en Español. Priorities, people! Priorities!
(Insincere apologies if this demand has already come to pass.)
Comment by Ryan — April 28, 2006 @ 7:34 pm
so, uh, what time is 1700 PDT in real people time? Cause I’m already drinking beers on the east coast.
Comment by Yosef — April 28, 2006 @ 9:29 pm
It’s arbitrarily in about five minutes. So decreeth Auguste.
Comment by Auguste — April 28, 2006 @ 9:35 pm
How about the fact the songs lyrics are simply false: “We are Latinos” - but we aren’t Latinos, most of us.
Are about the fact that the original national anthem is patriotic not whiny and politicized.
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